A very midlife crisis

Turning 40 isn't that bad, there is a certain freedom that comes with turning 40. 

For one you don't have this big number looming over you, as you do in the months preceding a big birthday.

Your as young today as you're ever going to be again and the urge to embrace life seems reenergized at the start of a new decade. 

Once that is, you get over the fear that you still don't know what the heck you're doing with your life!

In his marvelously entertaining (and wise speech) Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99 ... Baz Luhrman declares that you shouldn't panic if you don't know what you want to do with your life at 22 (or even 40)

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't."

In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert was once told this truth about the aging process by an older woman, who said: "we all spend our twenties and thirties trying to be perfect, because we're so worried about what people will think of us. Then we get into our forties and fifties and we finally start to be free, because we decide that we don't give a damn what anyone thinks of us. But you won't be completely free until you reach your sixties and seventies, when you finally realise this liberating truth - nobody was ever thinking about you anyhow."

It feels to me (on my maiden voyage into midlife) that it is a time to get a bit more selfish, not in a bad way, but to go seek out those deep desires that have been calling you, to focus in on them so that they don't get away. Before you end up resenting that you didn't grab the opportunities when you had them.

Brene Brown describes her breakdown with poignant humour. 'You just wanna open the door and shout, “I’m really crazy. And if you’re really crazy we could hang out. [She is literally yelling now.] And if you need me to bake brownies I’m not going to.” There comes a time when we just get tired of those Ps – proving, pleasing, perfecting, performing – and it normally happens between 35 and 55. 

Recently Jennifer Anderson wrote an open letter to the press regarding our obsession with growing old and the scrutiny of women and the scrutiny of their life choices. I guess this time between 35 to 55 seems to matter most, you have the maturity and wisdom that you lacked when you were younger and yet still hopefully the health to see your plans through and to stand up for what you believe in. how about going out today and make a difference however small, with whatever gifts you've been given - cherish them and cherish yourself.

see Jennifer Aniston words below:

Let me start by saying that addressing gossip is something I have never done.  I don’t like to give energy to the business of lies, but I wanted to participate in a larger conversation that has already begun and needs to continue. Since I’m not on social media, I decided to put my thoughts here in writing.

For the record, I am not pregnant. What I am is fed up. I’m fed up with the sport-like scrutiny and body shaming that occurs daily under the guise of “journalism,” the “First Amendment” and “celebrity news.”

Every day my husband and I are harassed by dozens of aggressive photographers staked outside our home who will go to shocking lengths to obtain any kind of photo, even if it means endangering us or the unlucky pedestrians who happen to be nearby. But setting aside the public safety aspect, I want to focus on the bigger picture of what this insane tabloid ritual represents to all of us.

If I am some kind of symbol to some people out there, then clearly I am an example of the lens through which we, as a society, view our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, female friends and colleagues. The objectification and scrutiny we put women through is absurd and disturbing. The way I am portrayed by the media is simply a reflection of how we see and portray women in general, measured against some warped standard of beauty. Sometimes cultural standards just need a different perspective so we can see them for what they really are — a collective acceptance... a subconscious agreement. We are in charge of our agreement. Little girls everywhere are absorbing our agreement, passive or otherwise. And it begins early. The message that girls are not pretty unless they’re incredibly thin, that they’re not worthy of our attention unless they look like a supermodel or an actress on the cover of a magazine is something we’re all willingly buying into. This conditioning is something girls then carry into womanhood. We use celebrity “news” to perpetuate this dehumanizing view of females, focused solely on one’s physical appearance, which tabloids turn into a sporting event of speculation. Is she pregnant? Is she eating too much? Has she let herself go? Is her marriage on the rocks because the camera detects some physical “imperfection”?

The objectification and scrutiny we put women through is absurd and disturbing.

I used to tell myself that tabloids were like comic books, not to be taken seriously, just a soap opera for people to follow when they need a distraction. But I really can’t tell myself that anymore because the reality is the stalking and objectification I’ve experienced first-hand, going on decades now, reflects the warped way we calculate a woman’s worth.

This past month in particular has illuminated for me how much we define a woman’s value based on her marital and maternal status. The sheer amount of resources being spent right now by press trying to simply uncover whether or not I am pregnant (for the bajillionth time... but who’s counting) points to the perpetuation of this notion that women are somehow incomplete, unsuccessful, or unhappy if they’re not married with children. In this last boring news cycle about my personal life there have been mass shootings, wildfires, major decisions by the Supreme Court, an upcoming election, and any number of more newsworthy issues that “journalists” could dedicate their resources towards.

Here’s where I come out on this topic: we are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies. That decision is ours and ours alone. Let’s make that decision for ourselves and for the young women in this world who look to us as examples. Let’s make that decision consciously, outside of the tabloid noise. We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own “happily ever after” for ourselves.

We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies.

I have grown tired of being part of this narrative. Yes, I may become a mother some day, and since I’m laying it all out there, if I ever do, I will be the first to let you know. But I’m not in pursuit of motherhood because I feel incomplete in some way, as our celebrity news culture would lead us all to believe. I resent being made to feel “less than” because my body is changing and/or I had a burger for lunch and was photographed from a weird angle and therefore deemed one of two things: “pregnant” or “fat.” Not to mention the painful awkwardness that comes with being congratulated by friends, coworkers and strangers alike on one’s fictional pregnancy (often a dozen times in a single day).

From years of experience, I’ve learned tabloid practices, however dangerous, will not change, at least not any time soon. What can change is our awareness and reaction to the toxic messages buried within these seemingly harmless stories served up as truth and shaping our ideas of who we are. We get to decide how much we buy into what’s being served up, and maybe some day the tabloids will be forced to see the world through a different, more humanized lens because consumers have just stopped buying the bullshit.